Connecting, a Path Forward
An introduction into creating opportunities for participating with others
Posted From: New York, New York, United States
It is a perfect summer day in the Mid-Atlantic. The humidity is lower than expected, there is no chance of rain, and the temperature is just right to break out a tank-top. To spend your time breathing the summer air, you decide to hike a nearby trail; a mini-road trip.
Even though you do not own a pair of dedicated hiking boots, you consider yourself an intermediate experienced hiker, able to hold you weight on an all-day hike. You prepare for your trip by filling a couple of water bottles, packing a few of your favorite snacks ("healthy" trail mix), and loading Google Maps. Feeling ready to burn some calories, you turn your car on and roll down your windows.
After blasting your "#Summer" playlist all drive long, you arrive at the trail head. You complete your pre-hiking stretches (which last no longer than 30 seconds) and get moving up the mountain.
As you hike, you start feeling the burn of the hike. You might have realized your stretches were not enough for the first incline's steepness, or you did not pack enough snacks for your constantly grumbling tummy, or even after the first (and last) outlook.
Ultimately, you make it back to the trailhead hours later and spot your car. Running towards it, you feel a rush of emotions: exhaustion, excitement, disappointment, relief. All emotions are understandable; after all, you experienced a hike with many elevation changes, sights, smells, and sweat.
When you get back home that evening (after continuing your "#Summer" playlist o the ride home, you realize it was a journey, but a worthwhile one.
Setting off for a hike is similar to setting off on making connections. Both are uncertain and time-consuming processes, with a decent amount of preparations that will serve multiplicative returns along the journey.
Meaningful connections, not the number, are key
No study has found a relationship between amount of social media connections to positive health outcomes. Conversely, a study of over 309,000 people found that a "lack of strong relationships increased the risk of premature death from all causes by 50%" — an effect on mortality risk roughly comparable to smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day, and greater than obesity and physical inactivity.
With this in mind, I question how we can better make meaningful connections, not just a large number of them?
742 (LinkedIn) connections; yes, I am part of the "500+"
As I look at my LinkedIn, it showcases I am connected with 742 people. Note: I am using my LinkedIn over other social media sites as I stopped visiting the others ~5+ years ago (minus the occasional furniture shopping on Facebook marketplace).
If we sat down together, I could go through each connection and tell a story: how we met, how we stay in touch, who sent the connection request… Some stories would take a few seconds to recite, others would take a few days to just begin. Some connections I planned as I would a hike; others, I did not even know I would be "hiking" (as in, making a connection). For example, I met several connections at conferences - part of the purpose of the conference is connecting - while other people I did not connect with until years after we met in person. Many still I have not met in person.
Each connection I've made is a journey in and itself. In fact, the deepest of connections often involve an uncertain and time-consuming process, thus making the relationship with the "future connection" difficult to predict.
To find what you are looking for, you must first realize what you are looking for
Even if we realize the process of making connections is difficult, hard to predict, and effort-inducing, that does not help us better arrive at the outcome. The outcome must also be understood, or else we could miss it. I'd probably miss many overlooks while hiking if I first did not study the map, reviews, and others' pictures. Similarly, how can I find a hike I'd like to take without first knowing what hike I'd like to take? Comparatively, how can I make connections without knowing what connections I'd like to make? An example I've faced as of late: I want to make new connections in NYC, but, do I really know what I would like? Is it people to play badminton with, peers to discuss books with, individuals to practice Spanish together, or all three in one session? Without knowing what connections I'd like to make, my journey to make new ones is highly unnerving, making its activation all the more harder (see: future post).
Show up, actually
A riddle: how do you complete a hike, without going on a hike? (no, the answer is not in the metaverse.) Simply, it would be impossible to. The first time I went camping, even with no gear and no idea where I was going, I showed up. I opened my front door, walked to the street where my friends idled their car, and hopped in the back seat of the 2002 Toyota. While not requiring much effort, I showed up in order to experience camping.
Likewise, it would be impossible to build connections, let alone meaningful ones, without showing up to build them. If you do not open your front door to embark on establishing new connections, it will behoove you to discern how to build connections. Experience and effort beget future experiences and efforts.
Show up prepared and ready, as an entity
Once you show up, you have to show up prepared and ready. Although I did not show up to the camping trip with more than a few bags of snacks (yes, more "healthy" trail mix) and a toothbrush (yes, I packed the essentials), I knew my friends had an extra sleeping bag, firewood, and the actual necessities(such as, blankets for the "chilly" (frigid) late December weather. I myself was not prepared, but, the extension of me in this scenario, my friends and I, were very much prepared to camp in sub-30 degree weather on the side of a mountain (I leave out the fact we had no permit to backcountry camp, alas, I digress). Furthermore, once we arrived at the trailhead to the campsite (at 4:00pm in the middle of winter), we made sure we hiked ourselves two miles up the mountain (a couple of roundtrips, because we brought firewood) to ensure our tent, fire, and the rest of our items were good to go. We were prepared to camp and when faced with a bit of adversity (fast dropping sunlight, fatigue, a wet campground), we showed up decently prepared and showed up ready to take on the night.
Show up how you want to; do not do what others do
Last, we showed up how we each wanted to, enabling outcomes that we each wanted. Being high schoolers, a few of us drank, a few did not. Amidst the freezing cold, some of us woke up throughout the night to "use the facilities," others did not. Ultimately, we camped the way we each wanted to camp. This is based on our own expectations of ourselves. For instance, I knew my limits with alcohol and my bladder, and predicted (before the time came) how I would react when encountering both situations; I set realistic expectations and acted in line with how I wanted to.
Roadblocks are natural; act according to the plan, yet change course when needed
What would you do if you faced either of these situations: A rattlesnake blocking your path while only 30 minutes into your several hour long hike or a coyote howling as you use the facilities in the wee-early hours. When both situations happened to me, I turned inward. What was my plan and how can I follow that plan while still maneuvering past the obstacle?
When my dad and I faced the snake on our hike, we first identified the roadblock itself (a poisonous snake). We then communicated with each other; what did we come here to do. what can we do now (faced with the roadblock), and what should we do (based on our ability to deal with the roadblock)?
When making connections, this communication is often internal. We must contemplate how to deal with the voice in our head raising up our biggest fears, in the forms of failure, sadness, and envy? For example, when I went to a networking event with young professionals in my sector of interest a week ago, I had doubts before going, as in "do I even go? It's raining…" Fortunately, I showed up, as the obligation to be present as a volunteer at the event generated further pressure to not bail. In fact, I ensured I arrived and on time. While there, I then felt uneasy; the room we were in was "at full capacity"- that is saying something, for NYC. This gave me another reason to bail; "it's COVID, you should leave," my inner voice pressuring with reason. Fortunately, I had a plan that no matter what, I would speak to three people for five minutes each. Then, and only then, could I leave. In each of the conversations I had, I ensured I spoke according to the aforementioned plan. Once complete, I could alter course according to my feelings, based on the situation.
Hiking the mountain of connections; are you ready? If not, that's okay. If so, start!
What do you want from your connections? Focus inward, to answer.
Will you be ready to embark on your journey to make connections? Yes, and show up prepared and in the moment.
How will you face obstacles? As you prepared and ready for what's to come!
"Just do it." Although I have not yet read Shoe Dog, I find inspiration in Nike's motto. There will not be a perfect time to start a journey. All the internal knowledge and planning will not make a day with precipitation any drier; however, it could make you less wet. Likewise, following the steps outlined above have helped me make some meaningful connections. This does not mean it will help you make meaningful connections in all situations.
Plenty of connections I have made have taken turns to where I feel less connected with the individual. However, I have felt keeping the above principles in mind, and in action, allows me to create more meaningful connections.
Learn about yourself, prepare, show up, and adapt; trust the process.
Next Steps
Thank you for reading.
This is post 14.
If you enjoyed, subscribe below for more opportunities to learn.
If you would like to engage further, leave a comment below!
If you have someone else who would like these emails, send it to ‘em through here: